Why can’t I just be fat?

Recently I purchased a fit bit and have been tracking all things fitness and diet-wise the past month. I count my macros of protein, fat, and carbs. I track my calories in and out. I track my sleep, my menstrual cycle, my ‘active minutes,’ etc… and while it’s all good, it’s all so ridiculous. I think about my fitness and diet at least twice an hour. Can I eat this? If I eat this, how much exercise do I need to do to burn it off? Can I lick the inside of an oreo and not count that as calories? I just licked it. I love IPA’s, can I never have an IPA again because it’s just carbs and does not give me any nutrition? Why is it that everyone wants a fucking fit person but when I try to not eat things like the buns on top of a burger I am the weird person who can’t just enjoy food?

What started this insanity? About a month ago, I went to a birthday party at the W Hotel in Austin with a big group of girlfriends. As I was getting a cab home, a friend joined me and we decided to share an Uber. As we waited outside the hotel, a man came up and started hitting on my friend. I got so furiously jealous and could not conceal my feelings. I walked away and just waited passive-aggressively for the Uber. My friend found me and was asking me what was wrong. I shook my head like a brat and pouted. While I can recognize that my feelings of jealousy and anger were valid to an extent, they were so stupid as well. My friend can’t change that she is a size 2 at age 26 or that she has an amazing metabolism that lets her bake cakes and brownies and cookies and eat them as if it’s nothing or that she is literally so beautiful that no guy could deny looking at her.

But no guy has looked at me like that since high school, almost seven years ago. And back in high school I purposefully starved myself to a point where I almost passed out working as a cashier at Hy-Vee when I got light-headed. I was 125 lbs and starving all the time. I could write a whole post on my dieting habits then but it’s a waste. Now I am 180 lbs. According to BMI charts, I am obese but if you saw me you would not think that. Maybe slightly chubby but definitely not obese. I don’t even know where the extra weight is that makes me 180. I think it has to be my breasts. I’ve been wanting to get a boob job for a while because they are too big, wayyyy to big. But I’m good at hiding them. I wear bras that make my breasts stick to my body. Back to the point, this fitness thing. This interaction where a hot guy digs my hot friend and completely ignores me reinstates everything that is told to me by society, that I need to look thin in order for someone to be into me. However many rom-com tv shows I watch where the kinda-chubby girl eventually meets someone who loves her for her is just bullshit. The Mindy Project, Shrill, Dumplin’, Glee — all lies. Just lies.

This interaction with my friend getting hit on and not me by literally anyone has happened multiple times. I get it — I’m the fat friend who is fun to take around and make yourself look thinner and more attractive. Is that her goal? Most likely not, but it feels like that to me all the time. And it’s super shitty that that’s how guys make me feel. But I’m so tired of feeling that way. Anytime I go out with my friends who all look like emo supermodels I am the fat person who doesn’t need to paid attention to. It’s not like this is a pity party, not get the wrong impression. It’s just that I’m soooo fucking tired of being passed up. Sorry I don’t have a fast metabolism. Sorry that when I eat a burger, I have to eat it will only mustard, no buns or cheese or ketchup in order for me to not gain weight while my super thin friend can eat it normally and it will look like an Arby’s commercial while she does it.

So here we go. I don’t fit into society standard’s and however much I think it’s changing and a girl like me can find love and get married and have a kid, it’s not. So fuck it. I’ll change my body. I got a Fitbit and I’m going crazy tracking all these things so I can lose weight and build muscle. I am already so active. I walk 15,000 steps per day on average, I go on walks and jogs every day, I eat pretty well but it will have to get jacked up I guess. My body is weird. Normal exercise and normal diet do not let me lose weight. Insane diet will make me lose weight. So here we go… let’s see what happens.

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